


Fading Fast

by ellewrites



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Suicide Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 04:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewrites/pseuds/ellewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We could go to the ocean.” There was a moment where it looked like Eren was going to bite his tongue on his words but then he dipped his head a little and boldly reestablished eye contact  “Like we did, you know... before.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fading Fast

**Fading Fast**

* * *

 

_Your everlasting summer_  
 _You can see it fading fast_  
 _So you grab a piece of something_  
 _That you think is gonna last_  
 _You wouldn't know a diamond_  
 _If you held it in your hand_  
 _The things you think are precious_  
 _I can't understand…_

– "Reelin' in the Years" Steely Dan

* * *

 

"Let's get a camper."

Levi stared skeptically across the rim of his teacup at the shaggy haired young man sitting across from him at the breakfast table. It irritated him in a vague, inexplicable way that Eren waited until the very last minute to get ready for the day – but then, like always, he felt guilty and tamped down the irritation.

“And do what?”

There was a long pause between Eren’s statement and Levi’s reply, a sure indication that he was growing weary of this game. But Levi knew he had to say something. There was always an expectant look in Eren’s eyes, waiting for the challenge.

“We could go to the ocean.” There was a moment where it looked like Eren was going to bite his tongue on his words but then he dipped his head a little and boldly reestablished eye contact  “Like we did, you know... before.”

Levi grunted.

“We could rent one like last time,” Eren continued when he didn’t get whatever argument he had anticipated in reply. “Drive to the coast and bum around on the beach until we’re not allowed to be there anymore then head to a 24 hour Wal-Mart, buy a twenty-four pack, and fall asleep in their parking lot.”

There was romantic, wistful look in his eyes, a slight blush on his face. It was attractive, Levi admitted, if only to himself. But that had never been the issue. Eren was an objectively attractive man. And at ten years his junior that was to be expected and appreciated.

Levi didn't have to say anything for his disapproval to be registered. Eren heaved a sigh and dropped his spoon in the discolored milk remaining in his cereal bowl.

"I don't have another contract for almost a month and you still have some PTO," Eren argued. "I know your boss wouldn't mind. He wanted you to take more time than you took in the first place."

The silence that stretched out between them was made tense by Eren's mounting frustration at Levi's lack of reply. But there was only one thing Levi could focus on and it was the few pictures he'd come across of their first and last trip like that.

"We would have to share a bed."

Levi had looked up when he said it, meeting Eren's eyes with a measured amount of reluctance. He didn't want to sound so ridiculous but at the same time, he didn't know if he could do it. The disappointment flooded into Eren's face faster than he could turn his head but he turned it anyway, obviously gathering himself up to say, "It's fine."

Eren turned then and gave him a wide but weak smile. "I can sleep on the couch there, too."

Levi dropped his eyes to the quarter inch of pale brown liquid in his cup, studying the way the remnants of leaves that slipped through the filter settled across the bottom in a crescent. Some trip that would be.

"Don't feel bad." Eren's voice was soft and gentle and it felt like nails underneath Levi’s skin. "I understand."

Levi snorted but he didn't look up. Maybe Eren understood, but that didn't make it any more cruel that he should feel any obligation to maintain a relationship with a man he couldn't even share a bed with.

A few uncomfortable minutes passed between them. The water from the faucet seemed overly loud as Eren rinsed out his bowl as a distraction. Levi felt sick to his stomach and didn't know if he could finish the last few dregs of his tea. He glared at it as though it were responsible for this shitty situation and then slammed it back quickly. He only felt sicker.

"Nevermind," Eren said as he made to leave the kitchen area to finish getting ready for the day. "It was a stupid idea."

The words pierced Levi more than Eren would have ever anticipated. He knew Eren thought he didn't care, saw the way he looked at him as if he had given up all expectation of affection and frankly, Levi couldn't blame him. He should've given up that expectation. It would be ridiculous to believe otherwise. But that didn't mean that it hurt him any less to see all the optimism fade from those pretty green eyes.

It was obvious to him that at one point they had had something special. It was obvious Eren was beginning to doubt they ever could again. And although Levi couldn't place exactly why that bothered him – he certainly wasn't doing anything to help the situation between them and he didn't even know that he could – it bothered him anyway. It added to his own deepening depression because he didn't know how many more days they could realistically sit at this little wooden table and have these non-conversations and pretend like one day Levi would wake up and everything was going to go back to the way it was before the accident. The hope was just about gone from Eren's eyes. And Levi's hope had abandoned him weeks ago.

So what did it matter to fight Eren on this? The end was nigh. Maybe it was better to let him have this last moment. Maybe. But maybe it wasn't.

Levi realized his hands were nearly white as they gripped the cup, startled out of his reverie by the now familiar sound of Eren gathering up his keys and tapping his shoes out against the closet door frame out of habit. He didn't even know why Eren did that.

“It wasn’t a stupid idea.”

Levi glanced out of the corner of his eye at the way Eren’s head perked up, a tentative smile trying to form on his face that he fought down as he slid on a shoe, still laced.

“Yeah?”

He stood, picking up his teacup to place in the sink, turning his back on Eren completely so as not to be faced with that brutal optimism.

“I’ll put in a PTO request,” Levi said as he turned on the facet, watching the way water pooled along the side of the cup and spilled over, down the drain. There was something poetic about it that he just couldn’t put his finger on. He stood there, transfixed, until Eren was right behind him.

“Levi?”

Levi blinked.

“Are you okay?”

His frown deepened at Eren’s sympathetic tone and he turned off the faucet. Eren took the cup from his hand and set it in the sink.

“It’s okay.”

Levi refused to turn and look at Eren’s attempt at comforting with a warm smile. Instead, he continued to stare at the cup in the sink. It was stubborn but he couldn’t do anything else. He’d chosen the stubborn path too many times to do anything else.

“You obviously need a break.”

Eren didn’t try to brush the hair from his face or kiss him on the cheek any more. Even the habitual need to complete the motion had died off and Eren simply turned to leave. Levi knew it was wrong to feel this emptiness in the pit of his stomach, this jealousy of his ghost – he’d created this situation himself. But he couldn’t help it. If Eren no longer needed him, wanted him... then no one did.

He turned to watch Eren shrug on his blazer and pick up his laptop bag. He wanted to say something, anything, even just his name – but the words stuck in his throat and he could only manage to stare.

Eren turned and smiled at him from across the room. It was the big, gentle smile that reeked of pity and understanding and it made Levi remember why he couldn’t speak. He didn’t want pity. He couldn’t handle pity. The implications were too vast.

“Try to get next week off – huh?” Eren said and with a wave of his hand, he was gone.

Levi sunk back against the countertop, feeling exhausted from even that brief interaction. The beginnings of dread for next week set up shop in his gut but he tried to shrug it off. This had to end. If he were completely honest with himself, there was nothing here for him anyway.

* * *

“We could stop in Pittsburgh for the night.” Eren glanced over at him with hopeful, raised brows and Levi slid his eyes back to the road.

“No.”

It wasn’t fair. They had gotten a late start and had a thirteen hour drive ahead of them, fourteen with stops, and Levi wouldn’t drive, not since the accident. It was selfish. It was an unfair test, a test that Eren could never pass because the right answers were always changing. Already his skin crawled and he wanted to get these next few days over with as quickly as possible. Spending an indiscriminate amount of time doing nothing specific in Pittsburgh sounded like a primitive form of torture. It only prolonged the inevitable. The end.

Eren sighed and stared back at the road as well. Levi felt a small tick of pleasure at his irritation. He was never irritated. Maybe Eren was ready to give up, too.

“Maybe I’ll take 80 then. It’s a prettier drive.” Eren paused as he thought about it. “But then we’d have to skirt around New York City, so maybe not.”

Levi frowned. Eren’s irritation was so short lived.

“Do you want to go to New York?” Eren asked, evidently picking up on his disappointment. “We could do that, you know, instead of the beach, if you –”

“No.”

He could feel Eren’s eyes linger on him for a moment, trying to figure him out. Unfortunately, the past six months had proven that Eren just wasn’t that smart.

“Okay.”

There was silence as Levi fought against his irritation at Eren’s complete capitulation. If only he could understand Eren’s motive.

“Did we stop in Pittsburgh, you know... last time?” Levi finally asked and Eren looked over at him with curiosity.

It was nothing he had ever asked about, their relationship before the accident. In a way, he didn’t want to know. It was easier to live with Eren without the constant comparison to who he was before. But now that the end was so close, what did it matter? Perhaps it would clue him in to why Eren let what basically amounted to a complete stranger live in his apartment and steal his bed and eat his food and pretend to be his partner.

“No,” Eren replied. “We drove on through.”

“I just wondered...” Levi let his thought trail off as he stared out the window, watching the scenery change as they approached the city.

There were so many things he wondered about, so many questions he had. And now that he had broken his unspoken refusal to slide down that rabbit hole in the admission that it was over, why not ask what he really wanted to know?

“How did we get together?”

Levi didn’t turn his eyes from the window when he asked but he heard Eren laugh loudly and then immediately try to stifle it. He rolled his eyes. That was less than encouraging.

“I had a contract at your company when we met,” Eren started. “I guess you know how you feel about contractors?”

Levi looked over at Eren and their eyes met as an affirmative. Contractors sucked.

“You were a real dick to me. I figured... I was young, smart, talented, and probably making more money than you – you had good reason.” Eren was grinning a big stupid grin and Levi huffed out a sigh. “But, I don’t know... It was clear you were talented too and that whole cold, aloof, egotistical shtick you got going on was intriguing. So I did what any kid with the maturity of a five year old would do – I went out of my way to make your life as miserable as possible.”

Levi raised skeptical brows at Eren’s wistful smile. “And this strategy worked?”

“Ah, well, I didn’t think so,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders a little. “When my contract was up and I left without your number, I figured all that angry flirting and hate-filled innuendo was all in my head. When you called me to see if I wanted a permanent position on your team, I was floored. I didn’t, of course, I make way more money contracting than you could've offered me, and anyway we would clearly have made terrible coworkers. But right before you hung up the phone, I knew it was now or never, and I asked you if you wanted to get a drink instead.”

Levi took this story in with bemused interest. It was difficult for him to imagine Eren initiating a date. It was nothing like the way he imagined it must’ve been.

“Later – much later,” Eren teased, looking over with a grin, “you confessed that you got my number from your boss to ask me out but chickened out and offered me a job you knew I wouldn't take instead.”

There was a moment of silence as Levi contemplated that, but the answer was obvious to him.

“I’m too old for you.”

Eren laughed again, but there was a self-conscious note to it that Levi didn’t appreciate.

“Yeah, so you say.”

Levi felt a little satisfaction that he’d wiped the smile off Eren’s face once more and he turned back to the window. He could feel the tension in Eren from across the cab, heard his hands twist on the leather of the steering wheel.

“That never mattered to me,” he said, suddenly, practically forcing it out. “We’ve had this conversation a thousand times. I don’t care if I was learning to walk when you were having sex for the first time. None of that matters.”

Levi was truly shocked, and honestly somewhat amused, and he turned to Eren again.

“Did I –” he started but Eren cut him off.

“You’re smart and caring and supportive and you make me strive to be a better person and that’s all I want,” he said, his voice full of emotion that Levi couldn’t quite understand. “That’s all I’d want from anyone.”

“Sorry, I –” Levi tried again.

“I just don’t want to have to convince you all over again.” Eren sighed. “We’ve done this before. I wish you’d just believe me.”

“I...” But this time, Levi just didn’t know what to say.

‘I’ll try,’ the thing he knew Eren wanted to hear, was totally insincere when this entire conversation was symptomatic of what was bound to happen once they returned home. How many things would Eren have to convince him of all over again? How many repeat conversations? Did he really want to relive the past three years of his life all over again while Levi played catch up? It was ridiculous to expect that of him.

“I’m sorry,” Levi muttered, the only thing he could honestly offer.

He didn’t dare a glance over at Eren, didn’t want to see him so defeated. Not when the whole thing was his fault to begin with.

“It’s fine,” Eren replied. “It’s not your fault.”

But there was an inescapable sadness to his voice that Levi couldn’t ignore and he knew – Eren might not understand, he might be resentful and hurt, but this was going to be for the best. For him, at least.

* * *

"We should stop and eat soon."

"No."

The light was fading fast behind them, evening settling in across the world and the past six hours between them had been filled with little bits of uncomfortable conversation between Levi's attempted naps. Sometimes he pretended to be asleep just so that they didn't have to talk to one another or feel guilty about not talking to one another. Sometimes he said deliberately caustic and argumentative things to try and get a rise out of Eren. This was one of those times.

Eren sighed, exasperated. Levi knew he had to be exhausted. It was only a matter of time before he broke him.

"I don't think we'll make it without stopping for gas. You're not hungry?"

"No."

"Well I'm stopping at a drive through at least."

Levi shrugged and leaned back in the seat, staring out the window at the oncoming exit sign. He really was being a dick, but it would be easier for Eren if he saw his true nature.

Eren pulled into the service station, trying to entice Levi for a futile minute to get out of the camper before pumping the gas and running into the store. He came back with an assortment of snacks, including a can of green tea, beef jerky, and a dumb smile for Levi, which he accepted with no small amount of frustration as they headed back to the highway. It seemed there was literally nothing he could do to piss Eren off.

“What if I told you I didn’t want to do this – that I just wanted to turn around and go home?”

Eren sighed, set down his cup, and looked over at Levi.

“If that’s what you want to do, tell me and I’ll turn around at the next exit.”

Levi looked back over at him, straight into his eyes. There was no irritation there at all, just simple sincerity. At this point, it was practically a scientific mystery. It was inconceivable that anyone would be able to put up with the barrage of bastardly remarks Levi had systematically attacked Eren with for the past ten hours. Even Levi was angry with himself.

“Why aren’t you angry?”

Eren had turned his eyes back to the road but he glanced over in a kind of double take at that question. There was exasperation in Levi’s voice that must’ve seemed misplaced but he was done with this game. He just wanted to know.

“Well, I don’t want you to be forced to spend a week with me thirteen hours away if you don’t –”

“No,” Levi interrupted, dragging his hands back through his hair in frustration. “Why aren’t you angry with me? You put up with so much shit from me and you don’t even know me.”

“I –” Eren faltered, his fingers clutching the steering wheel. “I do know you.”

“No, you don’t, okay? You don’t know me.”

“I knew you liked that green tea,” Eren offered but Levi shook his head.

“No, you –”

“And I know you love chocolate chip pancakes but you’ll only ever order them if we’re somewhere you don’t think we’ll go back to,” Eren continued, the hopeful tone in his voice increasing with each word, “and I know that Sweeney Todd is your favorite musical and –”

“Stop it!” Levi finally shouted, his aggravation boiling over. “You don’t. You just – you don’t!”

He could tell he’d wounded Eren by the way he hunched his shoulders and Levi honestly felt a little guilty about it. This wasn’t the way this conversation was supposed to go.

“And even if...” Levi sighed. “I don’t know you.”

There were a few long moments of silence between them. Levi went back to staring out the window but just then Eren spoke, quiet and calm.

“Of course I’m angry.”

Levi blinked and looked over, surprised by the admission.

“I just never wanted you to see me that way because it’s not your fault.” Eren’s eyes were set dead ahead on the road and it was almost although he were trying to distance himself from what he was saying. “Especially once it became obvious you were never going to wake up one day and remember me... I was furious. But the guy’s dead. Short of going to hell and dragging his sorry ass back from the dead to kill him again – what can I do?”

Fuck, now Levi felt even worse. He couldn’t look at Eren, couldn’t even look out the window, could only stare down at his own hands, balled into fists, and wish he’d never started this.

“Of course I want... I want you to do all the stupid little things you used to do,” Eren admitted, swallowing and blinking rapidly and Levi almost prayed he wouldn’t cry as he looked over at him during the pause. “You’re different, you know? Because you don’t – I mean, I know you, the things you like, but the way you act sometimes...” He shook his head and chewed at his lower lip a little. “I know you can’t help it, it’s not your fault, but...”

Eren stopped talking and Levi didn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect that. Sure, the rational part of his mind figured Eren had to feel that way, but to hear it all spelled out like that... Levi never thought he would.

“Is that what you wanted?” Eren asked and there was tension in his voice, not pronounced, just a slight strain on his vocal cords and Levi still didn’t know what to say. “I’ve spent all this time hiding this from you and you wanted to know I was suffering?”

Unfortunately, the truth was... he did. He wanted to know, needed to know that this wasn’t just par for the course for Eren. It wasn’t really that he wanted Eren to suffer, per se, nothing so cruel as that but... but he needed to know that he – the former version of himself – wasn’t so replaceable. It didn’t exactly make sense, and he knew that, that he should care for this other him above himself but at the same time, if Eren didn’t love that person enough to be angry that he was gone, then was Eren really worthy of an attempt to reciprocate his supposed affection?

“Yeah,” Levi answered, focusing hard out the window, not really wanting to deal with this conversation despite having started it.

The little tendrils of pleasure spreading across his stomach made him as sick as they made him happy and he didn’t want Eren to know that. He didn’t think Eren could really understand.

Silence filled the cabin, tension rising in every second that ticked by until finally Eren couldn’t take it any longer and he sputtered out an angry “fuck you.” Levi felt a little grin form on his face before he could stop it and he didn’t look over at Eren, sure that his lack of acknowledgement would only make Eren angrier.

“I spent all this fucking time holding my shit together – for you, you know, all for you – when you just wanted to see me fall apart? Jesus fucking Christ,” Eren growled, his speed increasing with his anger. “You are such a goddamn asshole.”

And Levi couldn’t argue, couldn’t find a word to say. It wasn’t like that, but it also wasn’t untrue. He was an asshole. He sure as shit felt like one right then.

“You’re right – this wasn’t a stupid idea, this was a fucking terrible idea,” Eren muttered, turning on the radio and jamming buttons until he found something loud and angry.

Levi let his head fall against the window, the cool pane of glass soothing the beginnings of a tension headache, formed not from the argument but from his own guilt. At least he had the satisfaction of knowing now that maybe it wouldn’t take much to convince Eren that this was for the best.

* * *

By the time they had gotten to the Shop and Save that was Eren’s ultimate destination, the proximity between them was almost physically unbearable. Eren had his seat belt unbuckled before killing the ignition. Levi had never seen him that fed up and impatient. He guessed it was goal accomplished, but still – it didn’t feel so good to be staring after Eren’s back as he walked away.

And once Eren was gone with no indication of when he’d be back, Levi didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t exactly hungry, though he rummaged through their bags as if he was. He took a shower to kill time; changed into lounge pants. Went through Eren’s bag just for the hell of it and regretted it when he found a notebook with a picture tucked in it – a picture of before the accident. A picture of them that he assumed was from the previous incarnation of this trip, though he’d never seen it before, a bit grainy and soft like it was taken from a cell phone.

Eren was smiling for the camera. He had a nice smile, really, Levi could be objective and see that it wasn’t the belittling thing he so often felt it was meant to be. And he had one arm thrown over Levi’s shoulder, the other holding the phone. And Levi... Levi stared at himself, his face tucked into the crook of Eren’s neck, trying in vain to hide from the camera. At first glance it might’ve seemed a silly thing for Eren to hold on to – a picture Levi didn’t even want to be a part of. But Levi felt a weird sense of disorientation because when he looked at that picture of himself he knew that that Levi was happy. His mouth turned into a subtle grin, nearly obliterated by the poor quality of the phone, a slight blush on his face. Frankly, the version of himself that was in that picture was acting... ridiculous. That Levi was acting... in _love_.

That was just it, though. That Levi was in love. That Levi loved this Eren and why shouldn’t he? This Eren was patient, kind, understanding, loving. But this Levi?

He scowled as he put the picture back and returned the notebook to Eren’s bag. This Levi was a dick. This Levi took everything Eren offered for granted and then shoved it back in his face. With that terrible realization, he crawled up into the bed space over the cab and buried his face in the pillow Eren had made up for him before they’d left.

It wasn’t that he wanted to be a dick or that he couldn’t recognize how kind Eren was to him. It was just that there was this huge black spot in his head and an impossible void in his heart. He wanted to feel something, anything, he just... couldn’t. And he didn’t know if he ever would.

Tears never came. Nor did sleep. Levi just lay there, running his hand over the soft, worn bedspread, restless from the drive, anxious for Eren to come back, and nervous for what he would say when he did.

And as expected, Eren did eventually come back – and it was like nothing had happened at all. He walked in with a smile and two plastic bags, setting them on the counter and grabbing a beer from one of them. Levi watched him from the crook of his arm as he held one out and up towards the bed.

“Want one?”

It was maddening, infuriating. How could he ignore it? How could he bury all that anger and time and again come back to him with nothing but acceptance? Levi was angry with himself – hell, he was furious. He didn’t want this hole in his head, he didn’t want to not be able to remember a damn thing about someone who cared so much for him, who he must’ve loved just as much. It wasn’t fair – he didn’t deserve Eren. And Eren... Eren sure as hell deserved someone better than him.

Levi sat up and took the beer, knowing that he couldn’t let Eren maintain this charade. Sure, it would be easier to. They could probably do a few more months like this, maybe a year – but wasn’t that only prolonging the pain? Would they ever reach the point where it would be easy for Eren to let him go? Wasn’t it more humane to get this over with now?

“Why do you stay?”

The question fell heavy in the small area and Eren stared down at the floor, rolling the beer bottle between his fingers and staring into the glass. He must’ve known, must’ve felt that this was it – Levi wasn’t letting it go this time. The twisted satisfaction that produced was far more painful than Levi expected. It was the right thing, but it was the hard thing.

“Can I come up there?” Eren asked carefully, peeking up at Levi from under his bangs.

Levi was sympathetic and he agreed, thinking of the picture in Eren’s notebook, of the physical closeness they used to share and how that was probably still a comfort for Eren – how much he probably missed that. Eren climbed up onto the bed to sit next to him, letting his feet dangle over the edge with Levi’s but careful not to let their thighs touch. Still, it was the closest they’d been to one another since Levi woke up in that hospital bed six months ago.

“I just...” he started, staring at his knees, Levi watching the way he thumbed the rim of the bottle.

But then Eren lifted his head to look at him and said his name, softly, imploring him to look up too.

“I _love_ you,” he said, meeting his eyes with unwavering dedication. “I love you and I can’t just stop loving you simply because you don’t remember me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Levi felt his chest constrict, his breathing halting with the painful confession. It wasn’t anything Levi didn’t know instinctually – it was the only explanation there was – but he never expected Eren to say it. Not like that. Not with so much feeling. And he didn’t know what to say. He could only look back down at his knees and try to force air back into his lungs and the suckerpunched feeling in his gut to go away.

“Why... Why do you stay?” And then Eren was on defense – scared, nervous, uncertain. But in a way, it was worse.

Levi knew what Eren's answer was going to be, even if he didn’t want to hear it. He knew Eren would say that he loved him, he knew what to expect. Eren had no fucking clue what Levi's answer was going to be – he only knew what it wasn’t. He only knew Levi would never say it was because he loved him.

“There are some things I remember, here and there, but for the most part I’ve had to learn how to become a total stranger,” Levi started, slowly, so that his voice wouldn’t waver and betray the depth of his emotion, the months he spent living this reality. “And there’s only one thing I’ve learned for certain over the past few months.” He looked up at Eren then, sure his face would show the pain he was feeling in that moment as he had to make the most heart-wrenching confession he could ever imagine making – but he owed Eren that much. “You are the only person who loves me.”

Eren set his beer on the ledge of the bed and reached over for Levi’s free hand, taking it into his own and squeezing it tightly as Levi’s eyes dropped back down. They blurred with tears Levi refused to shed. What kind of person was he that no one else in the whole world cared about him the way Eren did? He had no family, no real friends. But Eren’s hands felt good and warm around his own and it was comforting. It was nice.

“That’s not true.”

But the words were meaningless. It was true. Levi might not remember much, but he wasn’t an idiot. He could look at the sum of his life and see that it was next to nothing. He hated the way that going back to that apartment to alienate Eren and pick petty fights was the best part of his day.

“Maybe I should just stay here, start over, be someone completely new, the way I guess I was meant to,” Levi said, fingers tight around the bottle so that he wouldn’t be tempted to grab at Eren’s hands.

It seemed preposterous that the idea would leave this lingering feeling of uncertainty and doubt. He already was living a life he didn’t know or understand. At least if he started over somewhere new no one would know him in the same way that he knew no one else.

“It would be better for you.”

And that was the truth of it, anyway, or at least the noble sacrifice he would like to believe in. Levi didn’t know anyone no matter where he was or who he was with. Eren, on the other hand, was forcing himself to love a stranger and wrecking his life over it when he should just move on.

“No,” Eren was quick to counter, squeezing Levi’s hand, irritating him with how soothing the motion was. “If that’s what you want to do, then I’ll figure it out, I’ll move on. But that’s not what I want.”

“What you want is for me to remember,” Levi muttered, taking a morose sip of the beer. It was the one thing he couldn’t achieve, no matter how much he might want that too.

“What I _want_ ,” Eren said, each word very deliberate, as if talking slow would somehow help it sink into Levi’s head, “is for us to be happy again.”

Levi didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure that was possible. He took his hand from Eren’s and swallowed back his beer, the limited distance between them becoming awkward and uncomfortable.

“Levi.”

He looked over at Eren out of the corner of his eyes. The damned kid looked so kind, so patient.

“Look at me.”

Levi’s brows narrowed – what did he think he was doing? Eren’s lips quirked up a little.

“No – really look at me,” Eren said, grasping his chin and turning his full face to meet him. “If this is the end – it’s okay. Really. I never... I guess my expectations were pretty low, you know, once it became obvious you weren’t going to remember and... I just...”

Eren blushed and Levi tilted his head a little, rarely seeing Eren like this – not embarrassed but... vulnerable.

“Can I kiss you?”

Levi blinked and nearly laughed. It certainly wasn’t what he was expecting Eren to say but then he supposed he at least owed him that after months of shutting him out. It was just a kiss. And if that’s what Eren needed to realize he wasn’t the same man he had been, then so be it.

“Okay.”

It was weird to go about it like this and Eren laughed, a nervous little chuckle as he leaned forward. There was an uncomfortable moment where they were nearly touching and Levi thought Eren was going to pussy out and back away with his lips parted but he didn’t. He pressed forward and their lips met in a quick, clumsy mess of Eren’s nerves and Levi’s stiff rejection despite having agreed to it.

But at the last second, right as he felt Eren about to pull away, Levi changed his mind and realized that he wanted this. He wanted to feel Eren up against him, wanted to taste him, wanted to feel what it was like to feel loved – and he opened his lips slightly, encouraging Eren, and fell headfirst into the kiss.

It was warm and honest and gentle and Levi wanted more. A shiver sparked in his gut and ran up his spine and he leaned further into Eren, accepting an offer of affection that he’d denied himself on principal and fear for so long now. And he was right to fear it. This wasn’t a good thing, this feeling, this want he was indulging in. He couldn’t be what Eren wanted, he wasn’t the man Eren needed, he was a fake, an imposter, and this wasn’t right. It wasn’t what he should be doing. It wasn’t –

It wasn’t easy to pull away. Eren’s lips were swollen from where Levi’s slammed against them and he looked up into Levi’s eyes with such adoration, such raw desire that Levi couldn’t help himself. They met in the middle again.

And this time there was no awkwardness – just pure, unadulterated desire. His tongue took possession of Eren’s mouth like it was a counter attack, his teeth nipped at his bottom lip, and his hand found it’s way to the back of Eren’s neck to hold him there. Not that Eren was going to back away any time soon as Levi’s ferocity was reciprocated tenfold – as though Eren could force every ounce of his love into Levi’s very soul through his mouth. And unfortunately, Levi felt it.

Levi drug himself away again, panting and hard and wanting more but knowing better. Eren didn’t see him – he just saw the man he used to be, the man he still wanted and the man he still wanted to love. But then, Levi couldn’t help but wonder...

“What was it like?” he asked, voice straining, unable to meet Eren’s face.

“What?” Eren asked back, obviously trying to catch his breath as well.

“The first time we...?” It was stupid but Levi didn’t know whether to call it having sex or making love.

There was a pause and an amused little grunt. “Wanna find out?”

Levi blinked and looked up at Eren then, the little smirk on his face, the offer blatant in his eyes, and it was like he felt his whole world shift, like any argument he had was useless against such a proposal. Eren understood. Eren wasn’t this kid who didn’t know what he was getting himself into. No. He understood, understood better than Levi even understood.

This would be it, the first time they had sex – this Eren and this Levi. Maybe these two bodies had gone through this motion a hundred times before but not these two people. That was their first and their second kiss and this? This moment was the first moment of the rest of their lives.

Levi’s mind screamed a thousand curses at him in warning as he wrapped his arms around Eren’s body and reignited their kiss. For six months he’d lived with this man, sat across from him, lay in his bed until the smell of him faded into his own and never touched him, never reached out to him, never accepted any of the kindness he extended and now it was almost overwhelming him. Every synapse in his brain was on fire, every nerve ending on overload as the smell, the taste, the feel of Eren intoxicated him. It was like falling hopelessly in love in an instant – except that maybe he had been falling hopelessly in love with Eren with every selfless gesture, every word of kindness, every patient smile, every moment of every day.

And Eren’s hands underneath his shirt felt like they were burning against his skin and Eren’s teeth in his neck felt like they were piercing him with pleasure. His lips were gentle though as he kissed at every bite, worshipping his flesh, making Levi feel inadequate and small as he stumbled through the motions underneath the onslaught of Eren’s experience. They might be different people now but Eren knew Levi’s body more intimately than even he did and Levi felt foolish as he pawed at Eren’s waist, his neck, his back.

They shrugged clumsily out of their clothes, fingers fumbling at buttons and zippers. Eren produced a decidedly optimistic condom and packet of lube from his wallet but Levi didn’t care. Nothing mattered but the feeling of Eren’s skin pressed against his, the heat of his body, the way his hips moved so perfectly in step with his own.

Levi let Eren take the lead, relinquishing control to Eren’s superior knowledge of himself for the first time, not fighting him for the first time, trusting him for the first time. And Eren repaid the gesture by going slow, by making sure he was comfortable, by following through with every silent promise he’d made over the past six months – I’ll be there for you, I’ll take care of you. I’ll love you.

Eren held him close to his chest as he fucked him, slowly, taking his time to eek out every bit of pleasure he could manage. And Levi was lost in it, lost in the feeling of Eren’s breath hot in his ear, of Eren’s thumb stroking across his nipple, of Eren’s hand on his dick letting it slide leisurely across slightly lubed fingers with each deliberate movement of his hips, each forward thrust of Eren’s bringing him closer to the edge.

“Fuck,” Eren groaned, his teeth meeting Levi’s shoulder to muffle the noise he wanted to make and it totally unraveled Levi.

This moment between them was more than he could bear and he bit his lower lip, his fingers twisting in the pillow as he felt himself reach the edge. He never thought that this would happen and it was more than he could deal with, more than he wanted to face when the intensity of his desire faded after orgasm. It was what they both wanted, sure, but it wasn’t what Eren needed. Regardless of what either of them might want, the past was still the past and the past still dictated their reality and this might be nice but it was all wrong.

Eren gasped as he came and Levi lay there, spent and disgusted with himself. And as Eren placed soft kisses across his shoulders before pulling out, Levi buried his head in the pillow and pretended not to notice. He didn’t understand how this could’ve gone so horribly wrong. And yet... he still wanted to kiss Eren. He wanted to turn around in his arms and let Eren hold him and kiss him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. That he loved him. That he’d always loved him. Tell him the lie he’d made himself believe – that they could be happy again.

After a moment Eren got down off the bed and Levi could hear him cleaning himself up – imagined the little smile that was probably on his face, the post-coital glow. But by the time he turned off the lights and crawled back in bed, Levi had replaced his pants and pretended to be asleep so he didn’t have to face him and what a huge fucking mistake they’d made just yet.

And Levi pretended not to feel it when Eren spooned in behind him. And Levi pretended not to hear it when Eren buried his face in his back and whispered how much he loved him.

* * *

When Levi awoke it was still dark. He was surprised he even managed to fall asleep but then despite his guilt he was physically spent and emotionally exhausted and the soreness in his body and the warmth of Eren’s must’ve lulled him to sleep.

Now Eren was rolled over on his back, snoring softly, and Levi’s lips twitched upwards unbidden as he stared at his profile in the soft moonlight. But it was a sad smile, steeped in the reality that he’d fucked up. And the tiny space between them felt suffocating and the residual memory of Eren’s skin against his made him want to crawl out of it. Maybe he could leave it here with his ghost and Eren would have more of him than he’d ever be able to have otherwise.

Carefully he slid out of bed, throwing on a pair of jeans and his undershirt from yesterday. He just had to get out of there.

The sun was barely rising over the horizon as he ventured out, locking the door behind him. Everything smelled like the ocean. He could hear it faintly in the distance and so Levi headed in that direction.

It didn’t take long before he could see the big black nothing of the ocean between large multi-family rentals, lights reflecting off the water. The wind ripped through him as he approached, the warm weather fading with the season and non-existent while the sun was still down but he didn’t mind. In fact, it almost felt nice. Or more accurately, Levi felt he deserved to feel miserable. The wind was nothing compared to the misery he felt inside.

He crossed over a parking lot and walked right onto the beach. There were a couple of beachcombers far up the shore with flashlights traveling away from him but otherwise he was alone. And it was nice to be alone.

The tide was low. Levi kicked off his shoes without much thought to where he left them and walked towards the surf. Alone. It was the first time he had been alone for six months despite the constant aching loneliness that he felt. And now... Now he felt like he could walk out into the ocean, let the waves surround him and drag him under, bring him an absolution that he would never be able to achieve otherwise.

Cold water stung his toes as it rolled up the beach, dragging out the sand beneath his feet slowly, more and more, over and over as it moved in. Levi felt it immensely overwhelming – he could stand still, just like he was, but the whole world would still be changing around him. Just like with Eren – they could try to stand still all they wanted but the whole fucking planet was swirling beneath them and it was stupid. It was futile.

He tucked his hands under his arms, glared at the black surf, and tried not to cry or be sick or both. Why did Eren have to be so fucking wonderful? It was like he made it a personal vendetta to win Levi’s heart all over again and – and... And maybe he had. That was the worst part. Levi genuinely didn’t know.

It wasn’t fair to love him out of convenience, was it? He knew practically nothing about Eren, just little mundane things. The way he liked his eggs cooked on Saturday morning and his favorite brand of cereal. His nightly rituals and how he always liked a beer when he came home from work. The way his hair fell in his face every morning, obscuring his eyes, and how he’d smile up at him from the couch as if nothing else mattered but the fact that he was still there.

And now, the way his skin felt under his fingertips and the way his lips made him shiver when they touched his and how every goddamn placement of his hands on his body was so inexplicably perfect.

Could he be in love with him? Really in love? The water rushed around his ankles and shot icy tendrils up his legs but he lifted his head and fought back the bitter, stinging wind for the hint of pink on the horizon.

Levi didn’t know. Everything about these past few months had been confusing and this – this even more so. He knew he couldn’t replace who he was in Eren’s life – nor did he want to. He wasn’t that man anymore and he never would be, that he was certain of. But he also didn’t know who he was. And how could he possibly give Eren anything he deserved if he didn’t know that?

But on the other hand... On the other hand this sneaky little voice had crept up from the depths of his heart and whispered – wasn’t it equally wrong to leave a man he might actually love who clearly loved him over a little confusion?

He growled at himself and stared off and up the beach. How unbelievably selfish. How could someone expect another person to just put their life on hold and wait until he figured his shit out? Especially when he could just as easily come to the conclusion that he didn’t love Eren.

But on the other hand...

The sun was rising with the tide. It was slow but that was okay. All Levi wanted was to stop thinking – just totally stop. For months he’d been thinking himself in circles and now he just wanted to focus on the crash of the surf, the way his toes were slowly going numb as the water reached up his leg, and the feeling of his lungs expanding in his chest.

But the tide didn’t stop. The sun didn’t stop. The world just kept on turning anyway.

And the truth was, even if he felt alone at that moment, he wasn’t alone. This wasn’t just his decision to make. He’d been trying to make the right decision for Eren by excluding Eren but last night... Last night, Eren had a choice. And maybe he would come to regret that choice – but it was his choice to make. And he chose to wipe the slate clean and start over with Levi despite how terrible he’d been to him over the past six months. Despite the fact that Levi couldn’t remember a damned thing about him. Despite the fact that Levi was no longer the man Eren had originally fallen in love with.

It didn’t make sense and Levi wanted to fight it. For so long the one thing he knew without question was that he was wrong for Eren, he was hurting Eren, and eventually he was going to have to call this whole thing off. It was the only thing he knew, the one constant in his life – the only thing that stood still with him. To let go of that... To let go of that would be to fling himself into the unknown, to be caught up in the crashing tide, drug under, spit out by life and maybe he couldn’t do it again. Maybe he couldn’t fucking do it.

He stared at the sun as it met the horizon halfway, big and red and beautiful, sending the whole sky into an ever-lightening flurry of colors. The tide was up to his knees but he didn’t think it was going much further. Truthfully, it almost felt warm now. At least, it was comforting to feel the familiar little eddies around his toes, the constant pressure of the water surrounding him.

And maybe, if he let it all go now, truly let it go right here and right now, maybe it would be uncomfortable at first, but eventually he would find himself again... right? He would pick back up the pieces of his life and figure out what it meant to be this him, in this now – figure out who this Levi was. And maybe he could find something better to cling to than pain. A new constant, a more tangible thing to wrap his arms around than loneliness.

Levi heard Eren approach long before he said anything – the splash of heavy feet through the surf and a few curses at the cold of it gave him away. Really, Eren stood there next to him without saying anything an admirably long time. And Levi didn’t look over at him, didn’t feel his eyes on him either – they just stared forward into the sunrise together as Levi let it all go. The waves dragged away the last little bits of his resistance and he admitted to himself that Eren’s presence was nice. Comforting.

“I’ll stand here forever with you, you know,” Eren started, his voice a little thin. “But it’s cold as hell.”

Levi grunted and looked over at him out of the corner of his eyes. Eren was visibly shivering, jaw clenched so that his teeth didn’t chatter. Stupid damn kid.

“You’re the idiot that decided this was the perfect time of year for a beach vacation.”

For a minute Eren looked incredibly disheartened – but Levi let the corner of his mouth tick upward to give him a clear indication that he was just fucking with him. And then, he laughed.

It was weird. Levi had never heard Eren laugh before. Or at least, he had heard it, when Eren was on the phone or watching TV or something like that, but never directed towards him. And it made him feel all funny inside, like maybe his heart was just a little too heavy to sit in his chest right. Someone thought he was funny. Eren thought he was funny. It was... encouraging.

“How’d you find me?” he asked as Eren stopped laughing and he turned his eyes back towards the horizon.

“Lucky guess,” Eren replied with a shrug.

Levi frowned a little. Eren must’ve known how unlikely he found this altogether too nonchalant response so he continued.

“Look – it’s like I told you before. I know you.”

That didn’t really help, though. It just made Levi feel worse, the coil in the pit of his stomach tightening.

“I’m not that man any more.”

Eren’s sigh was almost inaudible over the ocean breaking behind them but Levi could feel it, the physical defeat that he felt.

“People change,” Eren said as they both faced the sunrise once again. “One way or another. Even if the accident didn’t happen, you still wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with three and a half years ago. But that doesn’t mean you’re not the man I love.”

Levi swallowed down the emotion threatening to overcome him. How... How could Eren be so much more equipped to deal with this than him? He felt stupid. Stupid for failing to understand what seemed so clear to Eren, stupid for shutting him out, stupid for trying to make decisions about their lives without him.

But as he stared out across the endless ocean he felt the ocean physically drag away the urge to protest. It was a new day and today didn’t have to be like yesterday. In fact, it couldn’t be. Yesterday was gone. If anyone should understand that, it was him. The past was gone for him, permanently ripped from his mind – so how could he possibly try to compare his life against it?

Today – he finally understood – today was a new day.

“I want to stay.”

The words were quiet, but he knew Eren heard him. Eren shifted a little closer to him and held out his hand. Levi didn’t have to look down at it to know it was there. It had always been there.

“I want you to stay.” Eren paused, but Levi could hear the smile on his face as he continued. “I’ve always wanted you to stay.”

And although he was hesitant, although it was difficult for him to put aside what amounted to his entire life avoiding and alienating Eren, he reached out his own hand to meet him. They met in the middle, fingers clasped, cold and wet but steady. And as they headed back to shore and warmth, Levi felt an internal peace he never thought he’d find because finally, he understood – this moment was the first moment of the rest of their lives.

 


End file.
